His "Whip"

Connor was so excited to get his first (and only) car.  We went to CarMax and he’d narrowed it down to three.  We test drove each one and then weighed the pros and cons of mileage, warranties, insurance, features, etc…  He ultimately chose a VW Passat.  He loved that car.

I remember one time he said he had to get something from his “whip”, and I asked if he was then going to “nay nay”.  I thought it was funny.  I don't think he did. 

I kept his car for months after he died.  I would sometimes go out and sit in it just to smell him.   I left everything in the trunk and backseat – just as he’d had it.  As you might expect a boy’s car to be, it was pretty dirty (gross, even), so I spent hours one day cleaning it and just talking to him.  Partly admonishing him for how dirty it was, but mostly just telling him - through tears - how much I missed him and how I wish we were cleaning it together.   

I would drive it occasionally so that the battery stayed charged and the tires got turned, but I started wondering what my long-term plan was going to be.  I wasn’t sure I could part with it, but why did I really need to hang on to it for anything other than the memories?  

Then, I started getting signs…. The car was coming due for a pretty big service.  The tires were due to be replaced.  The insurance bill came.  And then, one day I noticed ants.  Ants? That’s weird, but somehow the passenger side was infested with little sugar ants.   I know I cleaned the car well and there was absolutely no food in it at all, yet, here they were.  I took it as a sign from Connor that it was okay to let the car go.    

So, I took a small step in the moving forward process and took it back to CarMax to sell it (after the ants were gone, of course).  Sitting there, I was flooded with the memories of us buying the car.  After many trips to the bathroom to wipe my tears, I left with a check, which I have set aside for the day I need to buy his brother a car.

I took one last picture of the car sitting in the driveway so I could always remember what it was like when he was home.  ∞