A Letter On Your Birthday

Dear Connor: It’s hard to believe that it’s been two years since you left us.  The time has both gone by fast, but also stood still.  You would’ve turned 22 last week. I can't believe it. You made me a mom and I will always cherish that, but I can no longer celebrate that special day in the same way. It's too hard. Maybe it'll get easier as time passes, but it hurts, stings and brings great pain right now. You’d also be getting ready to graduate college this May.  I often wonder what internships you’d have done.  Where your interests would’ve led you.  What job you’d have lined up.  But instead, I’m left to just wonder.

I also wonder what it’s like in heaven.  I know time is different there, but what does a typical day look like? Are you making people laugh like you always did?  Are you spending time with relatives?  Are you learning new things like you loved to do?  Are you watching us down here? So many questions. 

I am very grateful that when I ask you for things, you send them right away, and in the most unique ways.  In the past three months, I’ve asked for feathers twice.  I asked you for one while getting ready for work one day and you sent one on a coworker’s lapel that afternoon.  Then I asked you for one when I got to NC for spring break and it came later the same day via a picture from a friend who found a feather while walking the beach.  

Earlier this year, we were driving back from a trip and I was staring at the clouds. I asked you to send me a heart.  Not only did one form in the clouds, but I also had a Facebook post of an artist painting hearts show up in my feed later that night.  I’d never seen that artist before and haven’t since.  I’m sure it seems silly to those who can’t possibly understand what it is like to lose a child, but I promise you they mean the world to me.  It makes me continue to feel a connection despite the time, distance and even realms. 

Your brother is driving now and I am terrified every time he leaves the house.  When you lose one child, you want to do everything possible to make sure you hold on to the other one always.   But, I can’t do that to him. So, I never let him leave without him knowing I love him.  The same as I did with you.   I am so glad I never let you leave without telling you I love you.  Nothing about this is easy, but I do take solace knowing you never had any doubt how much you were loved. 

I watch the videos on your phone (when I can pull myself together enough) so I can hear your voice, see your face and remember the joy you brought everyone around you.  I used to think it was silly that you would record yourself getting ready in the morning, having conversations with yourself and other random daily things.  But now…now, they are the greatest treasure I have.  So, thank you.  Thank you for giving me so much to remember you by. 

You are loved deeply. You are missed more than you could possibly know. And while I couldn't celebrate your birthday with you, I do hope you had a happy one. From what I know of heaven, it's hard to think every day isn't a celebration.

I want you to know that I wake up every day thinking about how I am one day closer to seeing you again. I'm not necessarily in a hurry to leave because I don't think the job God has set out for me is done yet. But, when it is.... knowing that you will be there waiting for me brings me joy.  I can’t wait to feel your amazing hug and see your beautiful smile once more.  I will always love you more, son. ∞