The Stage You Won't Get to Cross

In a few short weeks, Connor would have been graduating from college.  I can’t help but wonder if he’d have a job lined up, if he’d have finished his real estate course/license, or if he’d be going to work with his father.  He was so ambitious and ready to launch his own business, I wonder if he’d have done the university’s version of Shark Tank or how the school’s program would’ve led him to find his career start.   So many unknowns.

Kindergarten Graduation

His roommate is also graduating.  I have grown quite close to him these past two years.  It’s been fun helping him with his career search, doing mock interviews, helping quell the interview anxiety and all the things that come with the excitement and nervousness of graduation.  All the same things I should’ve been helping Connor with.  I plan to attend his roommate's graduation. I wouldn’t miss it.  But, man, it’s going to be hard thinking about how Connor should also be crossing that stage. 

And the grief punches will continue with Mother’s Day closely following graduation.  He was the one who first made me a mom.  He was the one that had the benefit (or not) of my trial and errors of being a mom, my sometimes selfish career aspirations that meant I missed things due to travel or my sometimes misguided advice because I was still learning myself.   But no matter those things, I always made sure he knew – that despite all my flaws - he was the most loved first-born that ever lived. 

As I continue to reflect on his life (because I literally think about him all the time), I am so proud of who he was and the man he was becoming.  Sure, he wasn’t perfect. Nobody is. But, he had the core characteristics needed to not only be successful, but to be a good human being who would give of himself to help others. He was resilient. He was thoughtful. He was caring. He had a heart of gold.    

Whether he knows it or not, he’s continuing to be all those things in death – through me – his biggest advocate and cheerleader.  I will continue the work I’ve started trying to advance legislative action around micromobility vehicles. I will continue to try and find ways to help others who were victims, like him.  I will carry his name forward. I will speak out to hopefully save lives in his honor.  I will speak forward in his memory to make sure the life he wanted to live is still lived – even without him here. So, while he won't be crossing the stage at graduation, his impact will still be meaningful and hopefully felt for a long time to come.

I am a living, breathing, walking testimony that love can endure through the hardest and most difficult heartache that ever existed.  And it will.   ∞