The One Year is Approaching

I am creeping up on the one-year anniversary of losing Connor.  The day that changed my life forever.  Connor died on his brother’s 14th birthday so as we approach his 15th birthday, we are having conversations on what he’d like to do to celebrate.  Celebrate? I mean, how do you celebrate one child’s birth and mourn the other child’s death?

I can only imagine how difficult this must be for him to want to be excited about his birthday and reaching the age he can finally get his learner’s permit, while also feeling the great loss that his birthday now represents.   Ugh. 

The plans continue to change as I think he’s grappling with it in his head (and heart), but as of now, we are planning to do something fun during the day like miniature golf or a movie and then do a family dinner that evening.  Meanwhile, I’m sure I'll be watching the clock as we creep up on the evening hour when the course of our lives diverged from anything we'd ever imagined.  Double ugh. 

One year.  In some respects, it’s gone by fast.  In other respects, it’s been the longest 12 months ever.   Having now gone through all of the “first” holidays without Connor, I've learned that the anxiety leading up to the holiday is far worse than the day itself; however, I have a feeling the anniversary may be different.

My plan is to work hard that day to celebrate Ryan and try not to make him feel the weight of my sadness.   My hope is that one day we’ll be able to celebrate both together – one getting another year older and one who has been blessed to spend time exploring all the wonders of Heaven.  Until I can get to that point, I’ll continue to take it one day – or even one minute – at a time.  Triple ugh. ∞