Just because I don’t see the point, doesn’t mean there isn’t one

I’ve struggled with a lot since losing Connor, but the “why” continues to be the biggest hurdle I cannot seem to overcome.  Why would someone so full of life, promise and ability to love be taken from this world so soon? 

My younger son asked me to watch a movie with him called “Greater”.  I asked him if the movie would make me cry and he just shrugged.  I should’ve known.  The movie is a true story about Brandon Burlsworth who defeated all the odds by walking on to the Arkansas Razorbacks as an offensive lineman in 1995.  He eventually earned a scholarship and would later become an All-American.  He was drafted by the Indianapolis Colts making all of his and his family’s dreams come true.  But, he would never play for them because a mere eleven days later, he died in a car accident. Cue the waterworks. I mean, I was ugly crying.  

Brandon was a man of faith and brought many of his Arkansas teammates to believe.  He was a walking testament of what a good Christian person should be and had a full life ahead of him.  His funeral was held at his high school. There’s a scene where players are organizing flowers on the football field and, to his brother, it just looked like a lot of flowers.  Until he stepped up on the bleachers and could see the bigger picture.  The flowers had been organized to spell out the words: “We Trust”.   Cue another round of tears.

Yes!!!!  We trust that it wasn’t in vain, even though it feels that way.  We trust that we will one day know the real reason why.  We trust because that’s all we can really do. 

There’s a Christian artist named Jason Gray who has a powerful song I used to listen to on repeat called “Remind Me You’re Here.”.  It’s a conversation with God letting him know it’s hard to trust Him when he’s so lost in the wondering of why.

The lyrics that literally made me catch my breath the first time I heard it were:

“If it’s random or providence, neither are a comfort to me

Are you cruel if You planned it?

Or weak if You allowed it to be.

Half of me still believes

And the other half is angry and confused

But all of me is desperate and longing to be held by You.

So I won’t ask You for reasons ‘cause the reason can’t wipe away tears.”

And like the movie, this hit me hard because while I desperately want to know the “why”, knowing it is not going to change a thing.  Connor is still gone and nothing will bring him back. All I can do is wait until one day I learn the answer.  Just because I don’t see the point, doesn’t mean there isn’t one.  So, I will trust. ∞