Day 366

I am officially past the one year mark of the day that changed my life forever.  Not only is February 22nd the day that my youngest son came into this world, but it’s also the day my oldest son left this world.   One year and one day ago, Connor was hit by a car turning left in front of him while riding his electronic scooter.   One year and one day ago, my life changed forever.

The anxiety leading up to the day around how I was going to celebrate one child and mourn the other took refuge in my mind.  I couldn’t wrap my head around how I could do both.  I thought I could do a balloon release and have everyone write a message to Connor.  But then decided my younger son knows that his birthday represents so much more than him.  Forever more.  So, instead of making it about Connor, it had to be about him.   

He wanted to go fishing so we rented a small fishing charter and took him and a buddy out for a few hours.  Connor loved the water and loved fishing so I felt like we were also doing something he loved.   We had a family dinner back at the house where everyone wrapped my younger son in love and celebrated his 15th birthday.   Connor loved family dinners so that also felt like something he’d be happy with. 

Instead of picking out a store-bought cake, I was asked to make a cake.  It was a cake that my younger son has never asked for before, but one that his brother always asked for – an angel food cake with chocolate icing.  I think it was his way of honoring his brother and making sure he was part of the day, which I felt was extremely mature and thoughtful.

We did get a candle that stayed lit all day long as a form of remembrance of the light Connor brought to this world that was extinguished way too soon.   I cried when I lit it and I cried even harder when I blew it out. 

I had moments throughout the day where I would tear up. Moments where the gravity of what the day meant weighed on me.  However, when Connor’s high school girlfriend dropped off flowers and a kind note that my husband found sitting at the door, I lost it.  It was my one and only full-on ugly cry.  Why that triggered me, I’m not sure.  All I can think of is that it hit me that I’m not the only one suffering.  That Connor was loved by so many others and the world looks different for them too.  

His roommate and another fraternity brother left flowers and Little Debbie snacks at this accident marker.  His fraternity posted a photo from his candlelight service in remembrance of him.  I heard from countless friends of his telling me they were thinking of me and how much they missed him. 

The outpouring of support was immeasurable and meaningful in many ways, but most importantly, it made me feel like his light continues to shine and that makes this sad Mom happy.  ∞