21 - Your Fake ID has Expired

What would’ve been Connor’s 21st birthday was earlier this month.  I honestly didn’t think it would be harder than the one-year anniversary, but I actually found it to be WAY more difficult.  I went to our home in North Carolina to get away.  I literally cried all morning thinking about him and how excited he would’ve been to finally be of legal age.   I went for a walk and told God that I was still very angry at Him for taking my son.  I know God has been there to comfort me all along the way and I honestly don’t know how I’d get through without the prayers and support, but I feel I am still allowed to be angry. 

I originally wanted to be alone, but some of my best girlfriends convinced me otherwise and I’m so glad they did.  I’ve known them since college and they were all considered Connor’s “aunts”.  I was so happy to see them and able to share my grief with loved ones.  We toasted Connor at dinner and laughed about what we thought he’d be doing to celebrate his milestone birthday. 

For one, I know he’d be bequeathing his fake ID to a fraternity brother.  I remember seeing it for the first time.  We were moving him out of the dorms.  I asked him where in Philly he grew up.  He looked at me strangely knowing he’d only ever lived in Florida.  I told him if he was going to have a fake ID that he should at least be knowledgeable about the details in case asked.   I’m pretty sure he rolled his eyes at me.

What broke my heart the most was a picture my younger son posted on his social media.  It seriously made me ugly cry.  I know he is hurting and missing his big brother.  I hate that for him.  I hate that for all of us.   

I imagine every birthday will be hard.  The wondering what he’d be doing at that age, what he’d look like, if he had a girlfriend, if he had a job, etc…  All that wondering can be so very painful so I try to focus on what I do know and that’s that he had a good life, albeit short.  It’s not easy, but it’s what’s gotten me through so far.  And I know I have a long way to go.  I miss my boy so much.   ∞