Thankful Through the Heartache

At Thanksgiving time – and before Connor died - I would say how grateful I was for family, friends, etc… All the things we say.  However, after he died, I really struggled with gratefulness.  I mean, how am I supposed to be grateful when my oldest son is suddenly stripped from my life with no warning leaving me with a life full of hopes and dreams shattered?

This was Connor's social media post on his last Thanksgiving.

It’s taken me a long time of reflection and prayer to start coming back to a place of gratitude (and I'm still working on it).  After all, I have so much to be thankful for.  First and foremost, I am thankful for the nearly 20 years I had with Connor.  He blessed me with joy, laughter and a love that not everyone gets to experience.  I miss it so much, but I’m thankful for it. 

I’m also grateful that I never left anything unsaid.  We always cleared the air when there was a difference. We always told each other we loved each other before hanging up or driving off.  I always told him how proud I was of him.  I can’t imagine how much harder the grief might be if I had regrets for not saying those things.

I am grateful to have my younger son who continues to mature and grow. I wish his

brother was here to guide him, but he’s strong and resilient…although I know he misses him.  I’m grateful for my bonus (step) children.  They are both thriving and living their lives with bright futures ahead – the way it’s supposed to be.  I’m also grateful for Connor’s fraternity brothers and friends who continue to reach out to me and who have become an important part of my life.

Divorce is never easy and oftentimes comes with a strained (or no) relationship. I’m grateful that Connor’s dad and I have a good relationship that was (weirdly) strengthened after Connor’s passing.  I guess sharing in the same kind of miserable grief can put life in perspective of what’s truly important. 

I’m grateful for my work family.  I truly felt the support and love of so many at the beginning, but it continues…and that means the world. While everyone moves on with their lives and goes back to their “normal”, I haven’t…and never will.  It means so much when someone I haven’t seen in a while pulls me aside to tell me they’ve been praying for me and thinking of my family.  Never underestimate the power in that.  It means Connor is still living on through thoughts and well intentions and that means a lot to a grieving mom.

I’m grateful for the continued signs I receive.  Just last week I asked Connor for another feather.  I knew I was headed to North Carolina and thought I might find one on a walk again.  Connor had other plans.  There was a mix up at work with a conference room and I was talking with a coworker who I wouldn’t ordinarily have run into.  He had a very unique lapel pin on and when I asked him about it, he said it was a collection of different feathers.  Yep. It happened again.  Gratitude.

I’m grateful for the group of bereaved moms I’ve connected with.  We call ourselves the “Strong Moms” group. Unfortunately, there are too many of us and we continue to welcome others to join us.  It’s a safe place where we can share our feelings, struggles, anger, frustrations as well as our joys. 

I’m grateful for my husband, mom and close friends.  They are the ones who continue to see the tears, the struggles and who truly help me keep Connor’s memory alive.  And last, but not least, I am grateful that I’ve deepened my faith. I’ve become more consistent in prayer, thankfulness and truly believe it’s one of the greatest things getting me through. 

Thanksgiving still won’t be easy.  The empty dinner seat will be a reminder that things have changed forever and that life is different now. It’s hard. It’s painful. But there’s still room for gratitude. It took Connor dying for me to come to a place of true gratefulness and for that, I thank him. ∞